Scientology Daily Digest: Monday, November 11, 2013

I won’t be publishing a daily digest for tonight.  I must plead exhaustion.

This has been a brutal week.  In the midst of a lot of other things going on, I managed to write a total of almost 17,000 words since launching the blog seven short days ago.  I’m utterly exhausted and need to crash before another long day tomorrow.  I have three feature articles to run over the next couple of days that I hope will interest you.

I would like to thank you who have supported me, by reading what I write, by contributing your thoughts to the comments, by sending me data points and ideas, and by your kind words.

One amusing thing worth pointing out:  In response to Tony’s blog post detailing another piece of crazy “perceptics” machinery, Espiando envisioned:

Considering the number of perceptics, I’m surprised we don’t have the Ketchupy Fountain, the Wall of Steak Sauce Licking, and the Bathtub of Baked Beans. At least those might be fun, and leave open significant sponsor opportunities.

At the mention of “sponsor opportunities,” my greedy little capitalist mind flashed on to who would be the best strategic partners for the cult among American industry.  So I quickly penned this little press release:


Customers Invited to Savor World’s Best Roast Beef at Sites of World’s Fastest Growing Religion

ATLANTA and HEMET, November 11, 2013 – Arby’s Restaurant Group, Inc. and The Church of Scientology International

Today, Arby’s and Scientology are pleased to announce a sweeping joint venture that will see Arby’s locations open in all Scientology Ideal Orgs, a “straight up and vertical expansion” move that will increase the size of the Arby’s chain. Scientology will name Arby’s the official sandwich provider of the Sea Org, its elite ecclesiastical unit, and Arby’s will name Scientology its official favorite new religious movement. The deal will be supported by a revenue-sharing and cooperative marketing agreement whose terms were not disclosed.

Explaining the rationale of the deal, Paul Brown, CEO of Arby’s Restaurant Group, said “If Chick-Fil-A, another large restaurant chain in the quick service space, can see business soar due to emphasizing its anti-gay stance stemming from its founder’s Christian religious beliefs, why can’t we ‘boom our stats’ by using a controversial religion to win over new followers?”

Scientology’s ecclesiastical leader, COB RTC David Miscavige, points out Scientology’s rationale for pursuing this groundbreaking partnership: “We’re always looking for ‘fresh meat’ in Scientology, and since our numerous other increasingly desperate attempts to get people in the door aren’t working, we naturally thought a partnership with the food chain that is the unquestioned experts in freshness of the meat it serves to its customers was a natural.”

After pausing for a few seconds to scream at and strike several cowed underlings, Mr. Miscavige continued, “And we could really use the rent from Arby’s to help us keep the lights on in our Ideal Orgs, which are packed day and night from all the people seeking refuge from a world where hamburger-based fast food seems to be taking over like drugs. Speaking of drugs, can I mention Narconon here?”

In the arrangement, Arby’s will increase its locations by over ten times, opening approximately 32,500 locations in the Scientology Ideal Orgs in 3,754 countries on all 53 continents. Management anticipates the creation of over 47 million jobs to support the anticipated demand from Scientologists and others. The joint venture restaurants will be run on the time-tested management principles of noted restauranteur L. Ron Hubbard, and the staff will be paid on the Sea Org pay scale, a motivational tool that has allowed Scientology to “clear the planet” in just a few short years. Importanty, even if Scientology never sells a sandwich, all 47 million employees will be trained in Scientology techniques as part of the revolutionary productivity enhancement programs.

Brown continued, “Heck, even our slogans and marketing programs are compatible. Our slogan is ‘slicing up freshness’ and Scientology’s seems to be ‘slicing up wallets.’ We take this as further evidence that our two corporate cultures will mesh together. We are exploring creating kiddie value meals that include our healthy roast beef sandwiches, a small portion of French fries and either a Xenu plush toy or an action figure of Terl from ‘Battlefield Earth.’”

About Arby’s Restaurant Group, Inc.

Arby’s Restaurant Group, Inc. is a leading global quick-service restaurant company operating and franchising over 3,400 restaurants worldwide. Arby’s was the first nationally franchised, coast-to-coast sandwich chain and has been serving fresh, craveable meals since it opened its doors in 1964. Arby’s is on a never-ending quest for the perfect sandwich starting with the Classic Roast Beef and French Dip to the deli-style Market Fresh® line of sandwiches and salads. Visit for more information and to connect with Arby’s on Facebook, Twitter, Linked In, Instagram and other social media channels.

About The Church of Scientology International

Scientology is the world’s fastest growing religion. In sixty years, the Church has gone from a fever dream of a hackneyed pulp science fiction writer to a major force in the world today, with over 14 billion members in 38,901 countries on all 53 continents. Scientology is reknowned for its charitable works, with Volunteer Ministers routinely parachuting into disaster scenes, “making it go right,” and for its literacy training and drug education programs. Ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige continues the tradition of humane treatment of staff and customers, and ethical fundraising laid down by founder L. Ron Hubbard, “Mankind’s greatest friend(tm).”

ESMB reader Type4_PTS posted this to ESMB, where it got quite a reception, including someone who actually called up Arby’s HQ to find out if this was a real press release. Kudos to Arby’s PR manager Kathy Siefert for handling what likely counts as one of the oddest questions she’s taken in a while with grace and professionalism.

I’ll be back tomorrow night, rested, caffeinated and ready for action!

  • aegerprimo

    17,000 words = OMG !!!!

    • John P.

      Actually, the number is a bit higher. I went back and cut-and-pasted the comments I have written in the last 8 days to a Word document and then looked at the summary. That’s another 33,000 words — double the published text. I was stunned to realize it was that much. So the real total is 50,000 words. That’s one third of a best-selling novel, in a week.

      The point here is not to brag. It’s for me to remind myself that I have a really bad habit that sometimes really costs me a lot of happiness, health and sanity in life. I tend to get so sucked up into charging into battle and doing what’s in front of me that I forget to stop and take care of myself. I tend to push myself way too hard, and all I see is what I’m not doing, and that ends up driving me to the edge of exhaustion.

      This is also part of life in Global Capitalism HQ, where everyone is expected to do superhuman things all day, every day. Ugh…

      So the other point of writing this is to remind you of the same thing. Satisfaction in your life is about managing two conflicting and equally important requirements at the same time: go beyond your limits, but take good care of yourselves and have fun!

      • John P.

        Here’s what it looks like when someone aims to do the impossible in the world of capitalism and misses. After writing the comment above, I remembered a famous viral video that made the rounds on Wall Street of a Yale grad who back in 2006 submitted a video in support of a job application, which he called “The Impossible is Nothing.” The video was picked up globally and mocked, and he never got his dream career on Wall Street. I hadn’t thought of the incident in years.

        I wondered what happened to the guy, and searched for him just now. It appears he died earlier this year, aged 29, of what appears to be drug-related causes. Clearly a lesson in the costs of aiming too high, whether or not you actually make it.

        Now back to sleep…

      • tetloj

        Back in VV days we were happy with 4 (5?) articles a week, Just sayin’

  • Miss Tia

    You deserve a break!!! Always feel free to take a break when necessary, you know we understand!! LOVED the Arby’s press release!! 🙂

  • Put this on reasons “why I don’t go to ESMB anymore”. That place has become a cult all on it’s own.

  • ThetaBara

    You are entitled to a break!
    That press release was pure comedy genius! LOLOLOL!

    • OrangySky

      Ditto, Theta’s comment. Honestly, that press release deserves to be a blog post all its own and no additional wit or wisdom is required.

      Happy Veteran’s Day, all! xo

  • Snippy_X

  • tetloj

    I’d rather have you rested than unable

  • KJP in Portland

    It’s a well-earned rest, John.

  • OTVIIIisGrrr8!

    Speaking today from Flag Land Base, Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion commented on the Church’s new strategic partnership with Arby’s.

    “We in RTC are very happy to partner with Arby’s and look forward to the the new Arby’s Super Power Special, a tasty repast featuring three generous roast beef sandwiches, large fries, a shake, and one intensive of auditing. Priced at only $12,500, this deluxe meal will fill you up while helping to clear your Reactive Mind.”

    “We are quite confident that no other fast food chain in the world can make such a sure and steadfast spiritual claim, this while gorging you with succulent roast beef. Indeed, this tasty combo has ‘Winner’ written all over it!'”

  • BlueDeer

    Ahhahhahhaaha 53 continents! I laughed out loud!
    A quiet lurker here … just wanted to say thank you for your efforts on this blog. I know it takes a lot of time and energy, but it is MUCH appreciated by the readers out here.

  • DodoTheLaser

    добрый день

  • Henry Miller

    That Arby’s announcement should be published in The Onion. Kudos you beautiful capitalist.

  • Veeery funny!

    Meanwhile, over at Mike Rinder’s, a fundraiser for the SP building (well, for the cornerstone name inscription), came up with this

    “And the LAST day to do a Cornerstone Membership will be until the 15th!!!!!”

    So, I think everyone needs to try harder – this stuff is getting harder to parody every day.

    Oh, and multiple exclamation marks…

  • WhereIsSHE

    Ummmmm…. the person who contacted Arby’s could not have read the entire “press release”. If the Miscavige quotes/descriptions of his treatment of scilons didn’t give it away, surely the number of ideal morgues, COUNTRIES and CONTINENTS were a dead give away!
    Great spoof, JP=)

    Please, please, please take a break. (I’m begging you.)
    What you’ve accomplished here is amazing, but I fear the pace could be at the risk of your health if you continue in this fashion.

    Thanks for all you’ve done; looking forward to what you’ve got in store, but happy for you to place your health above production.

    • John P.

      It occurs to me that it’s possible the person who wrote about contacting Arby’s was spoofing. After dropping the press release on the comments thread, I went back later and pointed out a lesson I learned the hard way about satire in a corporate environment, which appears below. It’s possible that the person who said they contacted Arby’s PR read this comment and was trolling based on it. I’m not going to contact Arby’s PR and find out if someone really did call them with a question about this press release.

      This one came from a long tradition I have of writing bogus press releases to satirize competition etc. The best one ever came when I was working (pre-capitalism days) as an engineer at a large publicly-traded company that led its market segment. Our smaller competitor put out an announcement of a deal that sounded to me like a desperation move.

      I wrote a press release that started out very gently twisted, and that got gradually more ludicrous as it went on until it was utterly unhinged by the end. I sent it to a few friends and it went viral across the company, somehow reaching the PR folks, where a well-meaning assistant who had read only the first paragraph or two forwarded it without approval to the mailing list of Really Serious Business Magazines as an attempt to answer questions about what the competition was trying to accomplish.

      Naturally, it blew up pretty spectacularly when Fortune cross-checked the frothingly lunatic quotes from the competitor’s CEO at the bottom of my “new and improved” press release with the competitor’s PR folks. I don’t think the PR assistant got fired (she certainly would have been if she were more senior). And the PR folks were able to contain the damage somehow, but only after a lot of work.

      Since I had circulated this on a very limited basis to a handful of people, without intending that it be circulated outside the company, I didn’t get fired either. The VP of marketing called me into his office and gave me an “extremely stern talking-to” in which he almost managed to avoid collapsing in hysterical laughter for a goodly percentage of the meeting.

      But since then, I have always been careful to start at Maximum Bloviation Factor and then go to 11 as soon as possible; subtlety can be very dangerous in this realm.

      • Spackle Motion

        JP, I would bet that if it were posted at ESMB then they took it seriously.

  • Crimsontide

    Great “press” release!

  • FromPolandWithLove

    You deserve rest JohnP. You do great job here and in The Bunker. Let me remind – Poland is reading You 🙂

    • Snitqueen

      FromPolandWithLove, Shall we fry up a big plate of paczki for john to show our appreciation?

  • Eivol Ekdal

    If the above is a product of an overworked mind, let me buy you a coffee sir!

  • Freddie Hubbard

    Hectic week? Things must seem pretty hectic when you can’t process information.
    When it comes to Scientology, you are STUPID.

    • Espiando

      Ignorance of Scientology is bliss. And a full bank account. And your sanity intact. And a sex life without guilt. And a mind that’s free to think anything.

      So, is it Round 2, or are you just going to whine to JP and flounce off again?

    • Eclipse-girl

      I could out in something snarky. But I do not think that is necessary. Most people here are intelligent and can identify stupidity when it announces itself

  • PreferToBeAnon2

    Sleep well JohnP! Thanks for all of your words!

  • tetloj

    This data point from ESMB:
    The current Impact mag has no date on the IAS 29th Anniversary event but a “Coming soon” note.
    There is NOT one image or mention of dm in the whole mag. Why is he distancing himself from the cult? Has anyone seen him at flag graduations?
    DM continues his low profile….soon he’ll be praticing meek and humble.